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ladyloveandjustice · 3 months ago

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I know this might be old, but I had a reaction to it and wanted to give my take, so I apologize. To me, this reads like a disinterest in female characters making fans refuse to dig into them and even try to deny their monumental importance to the narrative. Yes, the narrative could have given Nina more to do and more characterization. But saying she doesn't accomplish anything in the story Tenma doesn't? That she doesn't symbolize anything, that she doesn't impact it, that she's replaceable?? is so wild, when her actions are what incite the entire story and the inciting incident that sets the finale in motion. She shoots her brother in the head after discovering his murder of their foster parents and that leads to them going to the hospital, him needing surgery, to every event we see happen afterwards, the entire story! Then she causes the inciting incident of the finale by informing Johan that his major trauma was actually her major trauma. This very visibly effects Johan and did very much obviously influence his plans.

Second, it is blindingly obvious to me what Nina symbolizes. She's what Johan could have been, and he's what she could have been. Nina buried her trauma so much she can't even remember, and subconsciously took the words about not becoming a monster to heart. Though this repression was in no way healthy or good for her, it did mean she was able to grow up with loving parents. She lives a normal life- she's charismatic, athletic, intelligent, popular, driven---Johan is also all of these things, but he uses these qualities to trap and hurt others, and that's all he thinks he can do. In additon to carrying his own trauma, he's the living embodiment of Nina's trauma, he made it his own, and he lost the ability to form relationships the way she does--she's the only thing in the world to him, but he's not that for her. What Johan is to Nina is what she could have been if she had taken on Johan's trauma and her own and carried it and her resulting nihilism everywhere as if it were her duty, if she hadn't been told and believed she's not a monster. And Johan, on some very deep subconscious level, wishes he could be Nina, wishes he could live an average life, we see him disguise himself as her, he seems kind of like he wants to slip into her identity.

Seeing this is probably why Nina chooses to forgive him. Understanding "that could have been me". Especially since she seems to believe if she'd told Johan about hearing "you two aren't monsters" it might have changed things for him (would it have? Unclear). And I don't understand why you'd think Tenma didn't see that too and that wasn't part of his decision to not only not kill Johan, but save him all over again. He came to pity Johan again, and that was in part because he saw that Nina could have been the same way, and saw how she was struggling.

A character's impact on the story isn't about whether they help the other characters learn "useful information" that makes them defeat the bad guy or leads to the next plot point, unless we're talking about the most basic saturday morning kids show imaginable. I think that's a very sad way to look at stories and characters. Looking at Nina, all you have to ask is could the story have happened without her, could it's themes have resonated as strongly without her? And obviously it couldn't have. We needed someone to grow up with Johan, to shoot Johan in the head despite having previously loved him, to react to trauma in a way that contrasts to Johan, to choose to forgive him due to their shared trauma and similarities. Tenma could not have filled that role. (And tbh, Nina is the one who actually changes in a major way. Tenma goes from saving Johan and wanting to treat his life as equal to...doing that again. It's a story about how he wasn't wrong. But Nina's story is about change. She attempted to kill Johan as a child, genuinely, but as an adult, she couldn't, because she understood him now, because she chose to forgive him.)

Nina's choices matter to the themes of the story, impact it greatly, and she makes those choices herself. She's a very active character. Saying "well Tenma could have done that" is so weird when it obviously wouldn't have been as meaningful or impacted Johan the same if it wasn't the person who knew him best, the girl that's everything he could have been but can't be, wasn't the person who once did genuinely try to kill him.

also "her motives weren't mapped out"...she wanted to kill Johan because he killed her foster parents, and she didn't want Tenma to do it because she thought it should be her sin to bear. that's her for the majority of the narrative, pretty clear. Understandable motivation. Deep down she also wants to understand her brother and herself but she's afraid of what she'll find out. Again, clear and easy to grasp

She's also very clearly traumatized, and shows it in subtle ways, both similarly and differently to Tenma--she acts on anger, she makes erratic decisions, she runs from the truth that could upend her entire identity but later forces herself to face it. Unlike Tenma, she even tries to harm herself at one point, and this is a pivotal moment in the story.

There could have been more done with Nina, travelling with Tenma might have been interesting, a chunk of her personality is "nice girl" so it's okay not to connect with that (though if you can connext with Tenma when a big chunk of HIS personality is "nice guy", it might be worth that, rather than jumping to "well obviously it's because she's a terrible character", whether any of your own biases are coming into play). But if you don't respect her importance or forget about her when she's so essential to the arcs, themes and major events of the story, I think that might be on you.

I just can't wrap my head around the narrative purpose of Nina. Her characterisation was lacking, she didn't leave any memorable impression I even forgot what she was about other than a leverage for Johan or a refuge in a way.

Her motives were not really mapped out well I feel like the author could've expanded on that more. It overall left a bad taste in my mouth.

What do you think?

About Nina;

I agree with you. I read a lot of Nina metas and i understand what she was supposed to symoblize (Nina; human, Tenma; God, Johan; Devil) but i think Tenma fits the role of human anyway and it doesnt work in Nina's case because she is not some random victim whom Johan killed her parents. She is her brother so her forgiving him at the end (especially when she already forgave other villains) doesnt work out as 'act of love'.

So the reason I think she isnt much memorable to you, thats because she is too similar to Tenma during the series.

They are good people who helps others

They investigate Johan separately but somehow at the same time.

They both project their inner monster on Johan so they think killing him will solve everything

Both use guns

Their interaction with Dieter is same

Everyone loves them

They are the only people Johan cares about and only people he lets them live Though Nina is different, her personality is more expressive and extrovert but this side of Nina is barely seen. Only at the beginning and ending. Tenma's character and ideals makes sense for his character because he is a doctor, also why he is obsessed with Johan but Nina as Johans sister, she couldve been different. More personal, more obsessive.

This is the problem with writing "good people". Her place in story is also mess and kinda replacable....yes, even though she is Johans sister. When i said replacable, i mean a lot of scenes were just there. Even if she wasnt there, nothing would change.

After not being able to meet her, Johan never go after her. He is more obsessed with Tenma, not Nina.

After escaping from her brother, she didnt need to meet Neonazis. Another character would stop the bomb and Tenma would see Johans writing anyway.

Her training from sugar man is just side character story, couldve been Tenma and same with meeting old cop. It couldve been Tenma who met the guy and nothing would change.

Even if Nina didnt come library, Tenma still wouldnt shot Johan. Her "dont shot him" scene with Nina has no build up and cringe. Johan didnt even interact with her at all in that scene and Nina also doesnt attempt to talk with her brother. She literally acts like random cop who suddenly appeared in the scene.

Other characters learnt "nameless monster" book, or 511 or the mansion etc on their own.

Nina remembering her flashbacks, or learning other book stories etc was important information only she knew but she never shared those informations with other characters. Its almost as its just written for audience to learn, to understand Johan.

Her interaction with Johan at broken house, that was meaningfull. That was only them after all but that scene didnt change anything for Johans plans. Johan was already remembering his memories and planning his suicide anyway. Only usefull information is that Nina found out Johan will kill himself but neither Nina and Tenma cared that information enough to do something different. Then at the end everyone find a way to find Franz's town.

At the end, another usefull and important flashback we get with Nina. Only Dr Gilleun heard this but its not like he did anything about it. Then Nina ran to Johan and told him she forgave him. Of course. Of course, it is important but its not impactfull (for audience) if Nina can forgave other characters. And once again, this doesnt stop Johan.

And no, Tenma wouldnt shot Johan even Nina didnt come. Even Nina didnt tell him to save Johan later, he would still save Johan. Literally any other character could say that.

And at the end, Nina lives her life again just a normal girl. Tenma is the one who is with Johan and his words 'You had a name' is what saves Johan at the end.

I am not saying she isnt important character. She is but as character, she didnt change things much, even though she shouldve as main heroine. She shouldve played more role that affects things around her, especially her interaction with Johan. But it didnt.

We could maybe say the same thing for Tenma or other characters but not really. There is already a certain role Tenma symbolize, humanity, saving lifes and most other characters are just side characters. But thats the thing. Nina isnt meant to be side character. She was supposed to be main heroine but even characters like Lunge and Eva, even they mess up or dont do much, they are still more memorable because their invidiuality shows itself. They affect the storyline in their own way.

I think we shouldve seen her inviduality more rather than her just going after on her own. I mean, on her own way, different than Tenma. Most importantly, i wish we shouldve seen her love for her brother, her family (Fortners) but her connection with them, our connection with people shows us who we are. Maybe she shouldve traveled with Tenma, then their connection would makes sense. And definitely we shouldve seen more about the her connection with Johan and her memories as Anna and after remembering, it does affect her so she shouldve done something to affect things around her as Nina, as heroine but none of these happenned.

So i understand why she can be forgotten because we dont see much of her really. And thats a shame. I wish she has done more, and more on her own way, more different than Tenma, more personal because its her brother but she acts like they are strangers so well. I think she isnt well written.

#monster #naoki urasawa's monster #so i literally finished watching monster two days ago and now im arguing...not really bc I don't tend to respond past this #I was just scrolling through nina's tag and came across this #and was like what???? and thoughts poured out #this did actually help me figure out my thoughts on monster's themes and nina herself so thank you #I think urasawa does have a problem writing women who don't have a relationship with a man at the center of it all #but to be fair every major character in monster is either obsessed with tenma or johan or both (grimmer might be the only exception?)#so it doesn't make nina and eva really stick out as bad characters. I only am starting to realize this about urasawa bc i also saw pluto #at least nina manages to make a whole female friend. unlike poor eva who never gets to.#she had to be redeemed through her love for another man #(she's a great character even so)#man what would Eva have been like interacting with other women though? realizing we literally never see that. rip female relationships.

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bluberryfields · 1 year ago

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This is what happens when you're raised by TV and trained in literary analysis

Beyond the crushing heartbreak of that finale, one thing in particular has stuck with me when I look at it in the context of S2 as a whole.

He lays out their relationship, "We're a team, a group. A group of the two of us. And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't."

He then turns his head away and says, "I mean, the last few years, not really."

He pauses here, facing the interior of the bookshop. Really looks it up and down.

Turns back, "And I would like to spend" before choking on his words and looks toward the window. He can't finish saying something like "And I would like to spend eternity with you" because that's too much, too fast, for both of them.

But it's that "last few years" bit that has firmly lodged itself in my very broken brain.

According to Gaiman, it's been "a few years" since the end of Season 1. Armageddon has been averted. Heaven and Hell have reluctantly retreated. Crowley and Aziraphale have been effectively cut loose from their "sides," leaving them to form their own side.

So at the start of Season 2, we get a glimpse of the “fragile existence” they have carved out for themselves. To me, the biggest difference that we see is how they exist together in front of others. Going to the coffee shop, the pub, and the other shops along the street that Aziraphale has lived on for over 200 years. And don’t forget how they act in front of Nina, Maggie, and sweet, dim Muriel.

At the coffee shop, Aziraphale stammers a bit when Nina asks who Crowley is, but he still seems to have affection in his voice when he says, "We go back a long time."

Compared to Shakespearian "He's not my friend! We've never met before. We don't know each other!" panic, this is an incredible difference.

Of course, each time, Crowley is cool and cheeky and does nothing to indicate that they aren't a pair. Though, of course, he does deny it when Nina asks about Aziraphale being his side piece. “He’s not my bit on the side! He’s far too pure of heart to be anyone’s bit on the side.” And refers to him as an “Angel [swallows]I know.”

When they go the pub, Crowley's joy at doing something together in public that they do not normally do is super cute, including his cheeky order for Aziraphale's sherry. Then, when bringing the drinks over to the socially trapped Aziraphale, he greets Mr. Brown with a truly adorable, "Hello" and a signature DT smile. Then upon hearing how “excited” Mr. Fell is to host the meeting, he looks down and says, “Oh? You astonish me.” while Aziraphale sips his sherry and squirms.

We also watch as Crowley follows Aziraphale as he goes to each shop and talks to the owners about the meeting/secret ball. In theory, Crowley has no reason to tag along, and he certainly doesn’t help sway anyone who doesn’t want to/can’t go. He goofs around at the magic shop. He splays out on the bench, chin on hand, looking for all the world a husband waiting for his wife to pick out a dress at the department store. They are so married it’s ridiculous.

Finally, their behavior in front of Muriel while inside their sanctuary. Crowley sits on the arm of Aziraphale’s chair, somehow looking supremely comfortable on the old-fashioned furniture. He folds up those gloriously long limbs and presses himself as close as possible.

He smiles and plays along with Aziraphale’s coaching of Muriel in her disguise. Calls him Angel and asks to speak in private. And at the end, during the awful wait while Aziraphale talks with The Metatron, Crowley cleans up the shop and tells Muriel that he and Aziraphale will need some “us” time after all this. No beating around the bush.

Without oversight, they can be openly together and happy. But Heaven just can’t let that happen.

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cherriegyuu · 4 months ago

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asellus australis | jww | part 1

pairing: wonwoo x f!reader genre: fluff, romance, idiots to lovers word count: 6k summary: Wonwoo couldn’t possibly be the only person living in Sydney who didn’t know how to swim, so he reluctantly says yes to the lessons his friends signed him up for. When he learns that you are his instructor, he figures learning how to swim as an adult isn’t all that embarrassing after all warnings: fear of water, mentions of drowning a/n: this is part of the @svthub 2024 world tour collab. please head there to check out other fics under this collab. if you enjoyed reading, please reblog and leave a comment, it really does mean the world to me and i would love to know your thoughts. thank you! 💕

It was the kids' laughter that brought your mind out of its newest daydream. It was hard to keep yourself focused on what was happening right in front of you rather than on what had already happened. It was a new feeling and so completely out of character for you.

A couple of weeks had gone by since you attended a certain party, one you didn’t want to go to. You were too tired from the week and there was a little hint of emotional exhaustion to put yourself through a situation where everything would eventually turn out to be too much.

It had been so easy to find a quiet place further in at the back, away from all the people and their noisiness. There was only so much music and chatter you could block out just by standing away though.

You sipped your drink, something sweet and fruity Kira had gotten you before drifting off to wherever she wanted to go. It was somewhat frustrating to have gone there because of her and having her pull away from you the second you got there. But at the same time, you understood why she did it. Whoever her new crush was, he was at the party, which meant that she saw an opportunity. Kira was never one to be at a party by herself, and unfortunately, Nina had a better excuse to not be there than “I’m tired”, so you had to be the one to tag along. Though it wasn’t entirely too bad, it was a little boring.

And then he showed up.

You had never seen him before, which considering that you didn’t know a single person at the party wasn’t surprising at all. You knew Kira and maybe a couple of others in passing. You made a mental note to ask her how she found out at that party.

There was no way for you to look away from him. It was like there was this spotlight on him, just on him, making everyone else around pale.

Somehow he had ended up by your side, claiming to also be running away from his friends and the noise.

“This isn’t really my scene,” he said “I don’t even know how they managed to drag me out here, to be honest”

You blushed a little when he looked at you, a smile wide on his face. It was enough to make your heart skip a beat.

“I’m Wonwoo”, his hand stretched out while his left one adjusted the glasses in his nose.

“Hi”

You let your hand be wrapped by his. You had never felt quite that shy before while meeting someone. Usually, you were the talkative one.

“I wasn’t supposed to come out tonight” you admitted “but I’m kind of glad I did”

Was that possibly crossing a line? You weren’t sure, it probably was but early that morning you read that you should be more open to relationships in whichever format they came from, the reason why you didn’t even try to stop Kira from dragging to the party.

A long time had gone by since you felt anything similar while talking to someone — especially since using the word talking seemed to be a little much considering you had barely exchanged a few words. Wonwoo had your undivided attention from the moment he walked in.

Wonwoo simply smiled at you again and looked up at the sky. The sun had long set and in its place the most beautiful full moon lit up the sky, accompanied by the countless shining stars.

“There’s so many stars tonight,” you said and almost kicked yourself for it.

It was probably the worst way you could have started a conversation with a guy. You half expected him to answer you at all, a nod or a hm, at best.

“Did you know,” his words were almost shy, his delicious low voice dropping even lower, almost as if he was telling you a secret “that the stars have colors?”

His voice was so quiet while he spoke, his eyes still focused on the sky above. Wonwoo clasped his hands together, his knuckles turning white while he put way too much strength into something that needed none.

“Really?” you looked up for a second before turning your full attention back to his profile “I thought it was just some sort of optical illusion”

He turned to you then, his full attention on you as you waited for him to speak again. It was an odd feeling, for him to have someone interested in whatever he was saying.

“Yeah, there’s a few. Blue, white, yellow, orange, and red” he made a fist between the two of you, raising a finger every time he said a different color “The color depends on the temperature and life cycle”

Maybe you didn’t mean to, or perhaps you did, but you leaned your body a little to the left, your knee touching his.

“I had no idea”

He looked at you, slightly surprised that you were suddenly so close to him but smiled at you all the same.

“You can’t see the colors when you look at the sky?” his eyebrows were slightly raised, lips in a mix of a pout and a smile.

You pulled your bottom lip in between your teeth in hopes that it could make you stop from inching forward and pressing them against his. If you were in his place you’d probably run away screaming “crazy” at the top of your lungs”

“I mean, I can, I just didn't think the star had actual colors. I guess I just always assumed it was all silver”

Wonwoo laughed, his nose wrinkling in the most adorable way possible.

You were talking with him for a couple of hours, the most casual kind of conversation and it was probably the most fun you had in a long time at one of those parties. Not that you didn’t have fun. Nina and Kira were always fun to be around and it was something you always said yes to, being around them. But with Wonwoo it was just a different kind of fun. Usually, when guys approach you at parties the conversations always remain the same, and it was always made to make them look larger than life.

Wonwoo however seemed to be much more interested in talking about the sky and the moon and the stars — “did you know that the moon moves away further from the earth every year? — and while you were aware that some of it was just to prove himself as smart, you found it cute and at times, even endearing.

He seemed somewhat passionate about what he was talking about to the point where you could just stand there and look at him without ever getting bored. His voice, low when he had first sat by your side, had gone up a few notes, maybe partially because of the music around you, but you had a feeling that it was because he was just getting excited about what he was talking about.

“I never saw you before at one of these,” you said

Wonwoo took a long sip of his drink, you weren’t sure of what it was but it wasn’t the cheap beer that was in your cup.

“I don’t come to these often, my friends” he pointed at where the rest of the people were and you had no real way of finding out who his friends were “finally managed to drag me out. I would have stayed at the office if they didn’t”

It was a redo of the conversation you had before but you didn’t mind in the least, not when you could feel his warm breath at the top of your cheeks as he leaned down to talk to you. Slightly, you turn your head to him and for a moment you thought about just typing your head up slightly, just enough to reach his lips.

“What do you do for a living?”

Wonwoo cleared his throat, his eyes moving from your eyes to your lips. He did that maybe a couple of times before he finally, finally, leaned in. And it was like little bells of you started to play inside your head. It was perfect for all of two seconds, his lips pressed over yours, soft and warm, his hand at the back of your neck pulling your face closer to his before someone screamed your name at the top of their lungs.

He pulled away from you immediately and you honestly wanted to cry. The kiss had only lasted a brief second but you didn’t want it to end.

Kira was suddenly by your side, a look of complete desperation in her eyes.

“We have to go… Nina…”

Before she even finished her sentence you were already up. You looked at Wonwoo quickly, hoping that he could see how sorry you were when you ran out.

Looking back you wished you could have remembered to ask for his number before you left, or for him to ask for yours. But all of it had happened way too quickly that it had never crossed.

Ever since that night had been stuck in your mind, you couldn’t stop thinking about Wonwoo or the kiss. It was like your mind was in this infinite looping playing that one moment.

“The new guy is here,” Jinah said, Laughing a little.

You looked where she was pointing and couldn't help the low laugh that escaped your lips. Three guys were walking towards you. Maybe walking was a bit too strong a word, one of them was being pushed by the other two.

“We're already here,” the shorter one said, exasperated “You just have to go there and learn”

“You know, this is a terrible idea” the one who was being pushed said.

It was as if you had been transported back to that day at the party. It was precisely the voice you wanted to hear but had no real way of hearing.

“Wonwoo?”

Your voice was one that Wonwoo didn't expect to hear any time soon, or maybe ever again. After that day when he left the party in a hurry, without giving the slightest explanation, Wonwoo was sure he would never see you again. Sydney was far from a small town and he wasn't the biggest party-goer who had ever set foot on this earth, he knew that the chances of running into you again were slim to none.

But somehow, you were right there in front of him.

He had thought many times about what he would say if he saw you again if he was that lucky. Everything that had gone through his head had seemed wrong and now that you were in a place where he could see you, nothing came to mind. It was as if he had momentarily forgotten all the words he had learned throughout his life. That all the years he had spent trapped in an educational institution hadn't taught him anything.

Ever since that night, Wonwoo couldn't stop thinking about you. It didn’t matter what he did, however, he tried to think of other things or other people and focus on work. You were always there, in the back of his mind. He had never done anything quite like that before.

That wasn’t to say that he had never had a girlfriend. He had, a few of them throughout his life but it never happened quite that fast and it was never quite life-altering. Sure, he had met a girl once at one of the many events he attended as part of his job and she had stayed in his mind for a couple of hours, but never days like it happened with you.

And when he started to babble about the moon and the stars, because he had gotten nervous, you didn’t seem to mind. Instead, you gave him your full attention, seemingly inserted in what he was saying. But then suddenly you were gone and he didn’t even have the chance to ask for your number or anything that he could use to find you again.

Wonwoo had been certain that you would, somehow, be the one who got away and yet there you were, in shorts and a black swimsuit with the logo he saw outside.

He hated the word destiny, but maybe there was some of it sprinkled in seeing you again.

“Hi!”

Wonwoo’s voice came out a little louder than usual, making his friends turn to him with furrowed eyebrows. Soonyoung looked utterly confused while Jihoon just did his best to suppress the laugh that was bubbling inside his chest.

“I didn’t think I’d see you again,” you said, smiling brightly at him.

Wonwoo was completely caught off guard when you took a step forward and wrapped your arms around his shoulder. It only lasted a second and it wasn’t enough for him to react and hug you back.

Your cheeks had a light pink on them as you stepped back. He smiled once he noticed that your hand was balled into fists.

“Sorry, my mom is a hugger so I just sort of hug people sometimes” you were quick to explain, waving your hands in front of yourself.

You closed your eyes tightly, your cheeks getting even redder. Wonwoo thought that you looked cute that night at the party, but this version in front of him was much cuter. He pressed his lips together, trying not to smile too big.

“Do I get a hug too?”

Soonyoung took a step forward, arms wide open, smile so big that Wonwoo wasn’t even sure his friend could see anything at all. Thankfully Jihoon was quick enough to pull him back and angry enough to hit him in the back of the head.

“No…”

You took another step back and raised your index finger at him. Your reaction alone was enough to pull an honest laugh out of Wonwoo. You seemed horrified by the idea which made him think that your earlier allegation of being a hugger was probably a lie.

“How dense are you?” Jihoon whispered and shouted at Soonyoung.

You lightly shook your head, maybe trying to shake off any sort of dizziness, before smiling again.

“Which one of you is the one taking lessons?”

In the queue, Wonwoo felt two sets of hands at his back, pushing him forward. Both of his friends were holding back giggles.

He had hated the idea of taking swimming lessons as an adult. His friends were irreducible in his learning though so he eventually just caved and did as they wanted. However, all of the cells in his body that were against it dissolved the second he saw you. Now, learning didn’t seem all that bad or all that weird.

“Great! I need you to follow me to the back if that’s okay?” you pointed over your shoulder with your thumb “You need to fill out a form before we can get started”

Wonwoo nodded and followed you. He was naive enough to look back at his friends once and he was glad that you didn’t do the same. Jihoon was giving him a thumbs up, a weird-looking smile on his face, while Soonyoung would be screaming if he could, if not for the hand covering his mouth.

He loved his friends, he really did, they were one of the reasons why Wonwoo even had any kind of social life, and they were there for him whenever he needed them, even if he just wanted to complain about something — Soonyoung was especially good at hating someone he had never met before just because Wonwoo complained once about said, person.

In silence, he followed you to the back, eyes focused on your back. He had to force his eyes to stay on the back of your neck and not on the way your hips swayed deliciously from side to side while you walked.

You sat down on one of the tables and smiled sweetly at the receptionist who handed you a sheet and a pen. You slid the paper across to Wonwoo, followed by the pen.

“While you fill that out, I’m going to ask you a couple of questions”

Wonwoo was never that great at multitasking, so he was sure that he would either write his information down or he would talk with you. If he did do two things at once, most likely both of them would be half-assed.

“Why are you taking swimming lessons?”

He paused writing and looked at you. It made sense that that was your first question, he would just like it if it wasn’t on the list.

“I don’t know how to swim, so my friends thought that it was good a idea to sign me up for lessons”

You smiled and nodded at him, not a hint of judgment in your eyes. It was new. When he told people that he didn’t know how to swim people usually looked at him like he had four sets of arms, it was almost like the look one got when one heard that they could ride a bike.

“Can you float on your back?”

He simply shook his head and kept writing his information down. It didn’t go unnoticed to Wonwoo how you pursed your lips together and tilted your head to the side.

“Do you feel comfortable in the water at all?” you asked, slightly confused.

Wonwoo set down the paper and pen, now fully looking at you. He wanted to avoid the conversation, yes, but he knew if there was one place he had to be honest, it was there, with you.

“I’m not the biggest fan of water,” he said, voice low matching how his eyes were kept on the table the entire time.

When Wonwoo was a kid, while on a trip to the beach with his parents, he was playing in the water when a wave forcefully took him away. He had tried to scream for help but instead of pushing his voice out, all he did was pull water into his lungs. According to his parents, the moment didn’t last for more than a few seconds but it was enough for him to never want to do anything with the water again.

It wasn’t a problem to be at a pool, like the one he was in, as long as his feet could touch the floor and he had enough space between where the water ended and his head. But he had never been to the beach again. Not that his friends hadn’t tried to convince him to go to the beach, just to feel the sand between his toes, they never even mentioned the idea of getting in the water. But Wonwoo refused every single time.

Why would he go to a place that only brought him bad memories when he could simply pretend that synch place didn’t even exist in the first place? Of course, living in Sydney posed as a minor problem to that plan, but it had never stopped him before.

And yet, somehow, he found himself in front of you, asking for swimming lessons. The fact that it was you made him somehow calmer if such a thing was even possible.

“Can you get into the water or is that something we need to work on?” Wonwoo looked up at you, eyebrows furrowed “Some people come here and they have a rough time getting into the water, so it’s something we have to work slowly on. Is that the case with you?”

“Oh, no” he shook his head “I can get into the water just fine”

You smiled at him while you looked at his information. Wonwoo felt his insides twist a little when your smile slowly dropped.

“Is everything okay?”

Your eyes left the paper for a second and you smiled again.

“Everything is fine” you put the paper on the table again, now fully ignoring it “Should we get started?”

“He is a cancer!” you wailed, dropping your head on the back of the couch.

Of course, it made absolute sense that the most dreamy and perfect guy you had ever met, was a cancer. Of course!

“What is she on about?” Kira asked, making a weird face.

Nina simply sighed and nudged you, placing the wine glass into your hands

“It’s the guy from the party,” you said, sipping the wine “He came in today to take lessons and I saw his birthday. He’s a cancer”

Both of them nodded as if understanding what you were saying, but you knew that they couldn’t care less about it. Between the three of you, you were the only one who cared about star signs. You were always one to simply look into it once and let it go. It usually gives you a way to understand someone better. And while it could just be some harmless fun, you know yourself well enough to know that something you let get a little too much into your head.

And you see, Wonwoo is a cancer, which in itself it’s not a real issue. Cancer men are known to be caring, loyal, and protective, all of which are great treats when you are in a relationship with someone, their groundedness is highly incompatible with Sagittarius women. They usually enjoy their time at home and are more on the introverted side.

“Are you going to treat that as a problem?”

Nina had her eyebrow raised so high you were sure that if she pushed up a little more she’d be able to touch her hairline.

“We are incompatible!” you cried, drinking the rest of the wine.

Both of your friends looked at you, knowing that the conversation would probably lead you to drink a little more than you needed, which in return would cause them problems. Truth be told you weren’t the best drinker out of the three of you. You were the worst of your group, to the point you avoided drinking out, but in the comfort of your home — or this case, Kira’s home — all bets were in and you could be as much of a bad drinking as you wanted to be.

“You can’t let sun signs, moon signs, whatever it’s called, rule your relationship, babe,” Kira said, her voice sounding a lot like the one she usually used on the kids she teaches.

Kira was a kindergarten teacher, a real hero if you knew what one of those looked like

“Remember how you were over the moon after the party? You couldn’t stop talking about him and we all know that if you can’t stop talking, it also means that he was constantly in your mind as well”

Her tone was almost mocking you. The thing is your friends knew you, sometimes, better than you knew yourself.

“Do you remember Ben? He was a cancer” you said trying to prove a point, but knowing fully well that it meant nothing at all. Wonwoo and Ben couldn’t possibly be more different, even just at first glance.

“Ben stole money from your wallet, used your card to his heart’s content, and then fled, making you pay for everything he ever bought. I’m sure Wonwoo is nothing like that”

You narrowed your eyes at her. She was defending Wonwoo a little too much. You knew Kira’s thoughts on your zodiac obsession and she was always quick to shut it down, but this time around, the way she was defending a man she had maybe seen for 5 seconds was a little suspicious.

“I agree with Kira,” Nina said, eyes still on her phone “Ben was a dick but Wonwoo might not be one. You said he was sweet at the party. Sorry I sort of ruined it for you that night”

Your friend smiled at you, her eyes a little sad. Nina had been the reason why Kira pulled you out of the party that night. She had been traveling for work and was in a car accident on the road on her way back to Sydney. She was fine, with no life-threatening wounds, but she was very nervous, understandably so. She was still insecure about being on the road again, but you were sure that she just needed a little more time.

“It’s fine” You wrapped her shoulders with your arms, pulling her closer to you “No boy in the world is more important than you”

Your mind went back to the party and the way you felt that night, how you’d have stayed there the entire night with him unless you were pulled away — which eventually happened. Wonwoo talked about the moon and stars and you were that if he ever told you that he was the one responsible for hanging them up in the sky you would have probably believed him.

“You’re so corny sometimes” She pushed you with her shoulder but made no real attempt to move away from you.

“You love me, so…”

“I guess the swimming lessons are much more interesting now, right?” Soonyoung teased Wonwoo.

Wonwoo simply rolled his eyes and kept his focus on the computer in front of him, making Jihoon snort by his side, which in return only made Soonyoung wine as he sat on the couch in the back of the room. Under normal circumstances, Wonwoo would probably already be home at such an hour but there were things that he needed to do if he wanted to have a truly off weekend. One when he could just focus on the lessons he was bound to have on Saturday.

He was never one to anxiously wait for things, especially when those things had a lot to do with the water and yet there he found himself, wishing that Saturday morning came just a little faster than it usually did.

For him, Saturdays mostly meant trying to come up with reasons as to why he wouldn’t be able to go somewhere with his friends. That was mostly Soonyoung, to be fair. His friend enjoyed being out and about, going to new places, and having new experiences. From time to time Wonwoo did too, but he liked his time alone time a little too much when it was just him and his stars.

“It pains me to say this” Jihoon said with a sigh, almost as if he didn’t believe those words were coming out of his mouth “I agree with him. It looks a lot of fun now”

Jihoon and Soonyoung were a weird duo, that was for sure. They spent half of the time bickering like old men who have nothing else to do and the other half they were either in agreement or just pretending that the other didntdidn'tt. Somehow, it worked.

“I mean” Jihoon continued “She’s the girl from the party”

Wonwoo turned around in his chair, giving Jihoon a look with eyes wide. There was a reason why he didn’t mention you to Soonyoung, and it was quite simple: he would never hear the end of it and Soonyoung would, at the very least, contact every single person he knew at the party and ask if they knew you. His friend would stop until he found you and though seeing you again was something that he wanted, Wonwoo didn’t want to come across as someone who was desperate and maybe a little bit of a stalker.

“What girl?”

He let his body slide down on the chair and closed his eyes. Wonwoo would never hear the end of it now with Soonyoung.

“The party we managed to drag him to a couple of weeks ago? He met a girl there and she had to leave before he managed to ask for her number”

Another thing about the Soonyoung and Jihoon duo is that they like to gossip like teenagers. It’s the very stereotypical image of highschoolers whispering to each other in the hallways, except for the fact that they gossip about Wonwoo right in front of his face and there is nothing that he can do to just make them stop, and they haven’t been to a high school hallway in years.

“Why didn’t I know about this?”

“Probably because you were too busy with whatever it is that makes you disappear at parties?”

The two of them exchanged a look and Wonwoo knew that they were talking without ever saying a single word.

“So” Soonyoung turned to him again “you went to a party and talked to this girl”

“Kissed her, actually,” Jihoon said

Soonyoung’s body almost vibrated at the news and he was clapping his hands, making sounds that no human should ever be able to make.

What is the closest emergency exit from here? Wonwoo couldn’t help but wonder.

“This is the greatest day of my life” he laughed hysterically “You went to a party, something that on its own is already very out of character to you, you kissed a girl and now she’s your hot swimming instructor?”

He turned to Jihoon for approval, who simply nodded.

“You should ask her out, she looked interested earlier at the pool”

The image of you looking over his information and your smile slowly dropping came across Wonwoo’s mind and he couldn’t help but think that Soonyoung was wrong. Whatever it was that you say written there, which Wonwoo couldn’t possibly even phantom what it was considering that it was his most basic information, was enough to make you rethink something.

“And she listed to you nerding out and still wanted to kiss you”

His mind drifted back to the night of the party. Wonwoo was certain that if you had stayed for a little longer he would have probably gotten your number and asked you out on the very next day and with some luck you would have said yes and who knew where it would go from there.

“Oh, this just keeps getting better” Soonyoung clapped his hands.

“Again, this is very painful to say but I agree with Soonyoung, you should ask her out”

Wonwoo rolled his eyes. Jihoon talked a big game about not agreeing with Soonyoung but he always did. They were always in the same frequency of decisions and Wonwoo was usually the one who had a different opinion.

“And maybe, who knows, she might have thought about you as much as you thought about her these past few weeks?”

Soonyoung grabbed Jihoon’s arm, his eyes wide with uncontrolled excitement.

There was something different about the way Jihoon said it as if he was in some sort of secret that Wonwoo had no idea about. Of course that was the entire purpose of a secret but it felt different.

“If I promise to think about it, will you” Wonwoo pointed at Soonyoung “stop this weird, whatever it is?”

Surprisingly enough, the pool was mostly empty during the weekends, hence why they usually closed at noon on Saturdays. Parents usually sent their kids during the afternoons and most adults preferred either early mornings or after hours so the weekends were usually pretty low and you’d rather be anywhere else than at work but Saturdays started to look so much better once Wonwoo’s name was written on the board, right under yours.

After the initial minor breakdown

You sat down on the edge of the pool, your feet on the water while you waited for him. With each passing second you grew more anxious, your heart beating rapidly inside your chest in anticipation of what would happen.

A part of you expected it to be just a regular class, with normal small talk. The other part, this one much more hopeful and highly unrealistic, hoped that you could pick up where you left off the night of the party. But the truth was that you had no idea what was about to happen. You were certain that there was a secret third option that you couldn’t see or even think of.

You turned around when there was the distant sound of a door closing and a few seconds later Wonwoo walked in, in black swim shorts and a black t-shirt, a towel on his shoulder. He smiled at you while pushing his glasses back.

For a moment it was like you were back at the party that night and he was all that you could see again. There wasn’t anything or anyone else there but even then the space seemed to disappear.

“Hi,” he offered once he stopped next to you.

“Hey”

You got up and walked to the other side, removing your shorts and folding them over the side of a chair. Wonwoo followed suit, dropping his towel on the chair and then taking off his glasses and shirt. It took everything in you to keep quiet and not just fully ogle him. You almost had to hit your face to make yourself remember how to breathe properly again.

"You ready?" you said without turning to him.

The only answer Wonwoo had to give was a small ruff, in exchange for making you chuckle. Though it was funny, it was not the ideal.

“Listen,” you turned to him, hands on your hips “If you’re uncomfortable we can reschedule or maybe not even do this at all”

Wonwoo looked at you, his eyes going a little soft as he sat down on the edge of the pool, mimicking your early stance. His eyes were focused on the water in front of him, unblinking.

“I’m tall enough that my head will stay above water, right?”

“Yes, you’re good until halfway”

He nodded his head, eyes until in the water. If the situation was any different you’d have cracked a joke or anything else that could somehow lighten up the mood but there was no room for that.

“Let’s just get this over with”

Most of the hour you spent with Wonwoo in the pool was silent. It was mostly you talking and him listening, trying — and failing — to follow your instructions. You tried to crack the occasional small talk, but he was having none of it. You couldn’t help but wonder if his lack of enthusiasm, or interest, was because he was still uncomfortable or if it was because of how you had acted when he first came by to sign up for lessons.

It took you a few hours, and three glasses of wine, to realize that you had made a face when you saw his birthday written. And it wasn’t a nice face, you were sure you scowled at the paper. Maybe it was that moment you ruined it all between you and Wonwoo. Or maybe, he was just really unhappy.

“Are you okay?” you asked him once again, hand on his shoulder.

You were honestly so worried about him that it was hard to ogle him.

“Yeah, I’m just not a big fan of water, that’s all”

This time you put both of your hands on his shoulder, turning his body fully to you. God, he is too handsome. Forget the whole “too worried to ogle” thing. His chest, his very naked chest, was right in front of your eyes. You were only human, a human that had dreamed of the man in front of her a few too many times and none of them had been pg-13. It was fine to appreciate someone’s beauty.

“Listen to me, you don’t need to do this, okay?”

“This is Sidney,” he said as if that was enough explanation.

The only possible reaction was to roll your eyes at him.

“Who gives a fuck where we are in the globe? Do you go to the beach? The pool? Boats? Loves to be on airplanes who happen to fly across oceans?” when his answer to all of your questions was no you shook his shoulders a little bit “Then you have no reason to learn how to swim. Right now you’re just torturing yourself”

Wonwoo sighed and nodded, but he still looked sort of weird, if you were one to tell considering how little you knew him. You raised your eyebrows at him, hoping that it was enough to get him to talk.

“It’s just…” he seemed to struggle to get the words out “I want to see you again”

This time you didn’t even try to suppress your smile or the butterflies in your stomach.

“You could ask for my number and ask me on a date, you know?”

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she-posts-nerdy-stuff · 1 year ago

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Rewatching Shadow and Bone so here are some of my favourite little details that I haven’t seen loads of people talk about (this is almost definitely just part 1 so stay tuned)

The bird cage in Heleen’s office

The masks on stalls in the Ketterdam streets, including Komedie Brute masks, what look like the Jackal masks, and what I believe might have been a sun summoner mask

The song that Ravkan soldiers in Mal’s unit sing whilst they march in s1e4 is the Kerch drinking song Nina sings for Inej on the boat in Six of Crows

Matthias’ hesitation before saying “I feel nothing for you” and Nina replying “then I guess that makes you good at your job” is SO reflective of Matthias’ realisation that Brum didn’t have to drown the good parts of himself to do terrible things the way Matthias always did; Matthias had grown to admire Brum for what he believed was the ability to silence the good in himself in order to do what “must be done” because he found that so difficult to do, and acknowledging that Brum didn’t find those things difficult the way he did was one of the most important moments of being able to separate himself from the Drüskelle beliefs and begin to understand that what he went through was actually abuse and what’s implied to be at least similar to Stockholm Syndrome (I’ve written at length about this and if I get going I’ll never stop, so if anyone wants to know more lemme know and I’ll tag you in my post about it)

“Pomdrakon Players”, the group the Crows join to infiltrate the Little Palace, references Ravkan desert “Pomdrakon” where you soak raisins in brandy then set them on fire and try to grab them in the dark that Nina tells Matthias about on the ice

This isn’t an observation I just thought you’d all like to know that when I was watching the map room scene in episode 4 every time Alina said ‘Aleksander’ I repeated her in a stupid voice, which was really unfair to Alina because she doesn’t know but it was a genuine reaction and I stand by it because screw the Darkling

The comment that the Fjerdans don’t mark ash tress because they’re scared, I love that. I wonder if they pray when they mark trees, like they do when they cut them down? I personally got the impression that all trees were precious but ash trees were sacred when I read the book

The valve to turn out the lights in the Royal Archives Heist because all the lighting is gas powered!! Like I know this probably was just a thing we knew without really thinking about but it’s also really cool in that it reminds us about the class difference between the Crows and the others since, at least in the books, gas lighting isn’t as common to the Barrel as candles and bone lights are but is implied to be more common among the Merchants

Also not an observation but “you’re the quarter master, aren’t you?” “Yep” *wallop* will never not be hilarious and iconic

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the costume department for this show were goddamn miracle performers thank you for your service. I’ve banged on about the symbolism in the costumes before so I won’t now, but I have really only talked about s2 so I guess if you want more I could talk about s1

“No guns” *walking past Jesper* “no knives” *walking past Inej* “no weapons of any kind” *wait where’s Kaz* will always be fabulous

I genuinely have no idea how they did the Tailoring on Alina’s hair when Genya first does it for her but it is incredible like I don’t know exactly what changed but it just… I don’t know, it’s amazing

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petertingle-yipyip · 2 months ago

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STRANGER (vi) - KAZ BREKKER

tags: @beekeepingageissome @shadowzena43 @nikfigueiredo @mp-littlebit @starmansirius @hadesnumber1daughter @directioner5life @strvngestark @hostilityghost @ofmenanduhhhwellmen // previously // next

Pairing: Kaz x Davina Rollins (enemies to lovers)

Word Count: 5,786

Summary: Haunting memories and vivid hallucinations, Davina fights through the surprise takedown and the dynamic nearly shifts. Or maybe, in some sense, it still does.

Kaz dropped his cane as Davina fell against him. One of his hands held her arm still so the other caught her around her back. Her own grip fell away from his sleeve and she was completely still, completely limp.

Jesper was on her other side with panic in his eyes. Kaz knew it was reflected in his own, but when he looked to try and see what Davina was trying to tell him, he saw Per Haskell looking on with a proud smirk.

“Take her to the Slat.” Kaz told Jesper. He didn’t want to hand Davina over, but there was a new rage clawing at the inside of his chest. He heard the feral tone in his voice, felt the tension brewing in his muscles. “Tell no one who she is. Go straight to mine.”

“Kaz…” Jesper said as Kaz placed Davina in his arms.

Kaz drew her hood up, carefully shadowing her face and protecting her identity. She seemed as if she were sleeping and the softness in her features made his heart ache. ‘In another life, maybe’, he told himself. Jesper adjusted his hold on her before he nodded to Kaz.

“Send for Zenik when you get there.” Kaz instructed, Jesper nodding fervently at the tasks being laid out for him.

“What will you do?” Jesper asked.

“I’m going to get some answers.”

He may not be able to have her in that life, but he would do everything he could to right the wrongs he could. And he would start with Haskell.

—————

“Papa, what if Kaz and Jordie can’t find our new home?” You ask as you skip beside your mother down the path away from your previous home. It was all packed up by the time you woke up and your father informed you that you’d had to move. ‘Mouse problem’ he told you. ‘Can’t have that in your little lungs, now can we?’

You didn’t question it.

“Don’t you worry about it, Davi.” He smiles and reaches down to pat your head. “I left a note for them.”

“Good.” You grin and your father takes your other hand to help your other swing you over a puddle. You land with a fit of giggles. “I like Kaz and Jordie.”

“Do you?” Your father asks but he’s not really interested.

“Yes, they’re my only real friends after all.” You nod. “I hope they find us soon.”

———————

“She didn’t come back, Kol.” Melli said anxiously. “She was only supposed to be there a few hours.”

“I agree she’s taking longer than intended.” Kol nodded. “And I don’t know Davina the same way you do, but I trust that she’ll come back. We’ll need to present that front to the rest of them in the meantime.”

“A front? You’re suggesting we lie to them?” She sounded incredulous, almost offended by the concept.

“I’m suggesting we protect what she’s built.” He put his hands up in surrender. “If something has happened and if her father finds out…”

“He’ll steamroll us.” Melli understood. “You’re right, but… What if one of us goes to the Crow Club to see if there’s anything there? We’re not as known so it wouldn’t seem suspicious.”

“I can get in and out. I don’t have my tattoo yet.”

“Alright… Let’s give it a day or two. In the meantime, see if Nina Zenik knows anything when you go for your lesson.”

———————

“Please, have you seen these boys?” You show the drawing to anyone who’d stop, but hardly anyone stops for a child with a pencil drawing in her hands and tears down her cheeks. “Won’t someone help me?”

You chase down the bodymen every morning as they’re coming off the boats. They warn you to stay back, that they might have the Plague on them, but you stick out your arms with the drawing in your hands.

“Please, Sir.” Your eyes water again but at least you could hide behind the paper. “They’re my only friends.”

“I’m sorry, little one. I think I picked them up last night.” One of the men says and you can hear the sympathy in their voice.

Your arms fall and you know your cheeks are tear-stricken, eyes red and puffy. Your lip quivers and the man can only nod sadly before he leaves.

They were dead… Kaz and Jordie were dead…

You fall to your knees as you sobbed.

—————

Your eyes opened for a moment but couldn’t focus. A sharp pain ignited behind your eyeballs and you slammed them shut. You groaned in pain, covering your face in your hands.

You realized, just barely, that you were laying in a bed. A thin blanket was laid over you and your head was on a soft pillow. Your brows furrowed beneath your hands as you tried to remember what happened.

“Is she gonna be alright?” You heard a voice far off. Maybe he was in the same room, maybe he was on the other side of the door. You had no idea. “What happened to her?”

“Haskell poisoned her.” Another voice, angrier and rougher than the first, answered. It sounded like all his focus was going into keeping himself composed. “It’s a stimulant, mental and physical. He doesn’t know the extent of the effects but he dosed her on purpose. Was damn proud of it, too.”

You knew both of those voices. How did you know those voices? They both seemed to care and that made you feel a bit safer, though the unfamiliar surroundings still left an eerie feeling around you.

“Why would he do that? She couldn’t have provoked him.”

“She could have. I’m sure she could provoke the Devil enough He’d bolt out of Hell if she wanted to, but I doubt she did… No, he did this because he wants to prove his power.”

“Did she say why was she at the Club?” He sounded nervous.

Kaz is alive? And he was worried about you. He didn’t abandon you as kids and he didn’t die of the Plague.

“I don’t know. She collapsed before she could give a real answer.”

You tried to sit up, to see Kaz and to talk to him, but the attempted movement caused pain to explode in your head, tightening your chest and weighing down your body. You cried out and collapsed against the mattress. You could’ve sworn you felt your heart stutter in your chest before you fell unconscious again.

—————

It’s dark. There’s seemingly nothing around you. You don’t even feel like a person, just a consciousness. An idea. Do you have a name?

Yes, of course you have a name. But what is it?

“My beautiful little girl.” A woman’s voice comes. But not just any woman, your mother.

She begins to materialize out of the darkness and you find your shape too.

Your name is Davina, Davina Rollins.

“Hello, Davi.” She smiles and cups your face in her hands.

“Hi, Mama.” You smile.

“You’ve grown so beautiful, so strong. It’s been a long time, my sweet girl.”

“Mama…” The idea of your friends wouldn’t leave you, bouncing around your thoughts like a ball of rubber in a box. “Do you remember my friends, Kaz and Jordie?”

Her hands fall away. “The farm boys your father brought in? The ones that ran off and left you in shambles? Yes.”

“They didn’t run off. They were picked up by the bodymen when I was kid.”

“The Queen’s Lady Plague got them?” Her chin turns up in disgust. “Serves them right.”

“Mama!”

“They disgraced your father.”

“Papa lied to them! He called himself Jakob. He stole their money! He left them to die, it’s all his fault!”

Her open hand strikes your cheek and you cry out.

———————

Davina cried out from the bed, twisting and turning like she was trying to get away from something. Her temperature was steady but higher than it should’ve been. Nina had drawn the blanket away and kept a wet towel on her forehead.

“You say she was poisoned?” Nina asked, her hands fluttering gently around Davina.

“Yes.” Kaz answered tightly. He was seated at the edge of the bed, chin resting on balled up fists and his elbows on his knees. “Haskell put something in a drink he gave her. A high dose stimulant, physical and mental.”

“Explains the nonsense she’s mumbling.” Nina said to herself. “She’ll be alright, but what are we to tell her Snakes?”

“They don’t know she’s here.”

“No, but her Heartrender came to the White Rose. He’s worried about her.”

“Why was he there?” Kaz knew he shouldn’t ask. When Davina was lying in the bed beside him, squirming and whimpering as if she was atop pins and needles, he should be focused on her. But of course, his need for information pushed to the forefront.

“I call on him from time to time. He makes me laugh.” She waved him off. He didn’t believe it - considering Davina gave the same reason for visiting Nina - but he had no proof otherwise, so he didn’t ask again. “I told him I hadn’t heard anything but someone should send word that she’s alive.”

“He trusts you?”

“Enough, it seems.”

“Then do it. I don’t care how. I’ll stay with her.”

———————

You’re with Kaz.

You’re sitting in the grass of the front yard of the Rollins’ house. Your brother is kicking his feet on the swing your father made for him. Your mother and your father are laughing as they push him, teasing that he’d fly off.

You look over at Kaz, he has his eyes closed as he faces the sun like a cat. You smile to yourself and as if he knows, he turns to you and returns the smile.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He laughs before dropping to his back. He folds his arms and tucked his hands neatly behind his head. The motion pulls his rolled sleeves above his elbows and you can just see his interlocked fingers behind his scattered hair.

“I’m glad you’re here.” You say honestly. You shift to lay beside him, nestling yourself in the crook of his arm. That arm comes down and drapes across your chest. You fiddle with his fingers before he takes hold of your hand.

“I’ll be here so long as you have me.”

“Kaz Rietveld. that almost sounds like a proposal.” You tease. “You know, you’ll owe my father a goat.”

“A goat?” He laughs. “Just one? That’s selling yourself short. Dear.”

“Several.” You correct yourself. “And you’ll have to see if my brother approves.”

“Really? And what of my brother?”

“Jordie adores me. I don’t think he’ll mind.”

Jordie… No, that wasn’t right. But he was coming up the path with a basket of snacks.

You look around and realize quite a few things are wrong. It wasn’t the Rollins’ house you’re in front of, but the fake home from before the Rietvelds died. Your brother doesn’t have a swing in that tree. And Kaz, well he has his bare hand in yours with his arms exposed.

That wasn’t right. None of that was right.

———————

“Why is she here, Kaz?” A girl was asking. You knew you recognized the voice, but you couldn’t imagine her face. The anger in her voice was sharp as a blade.

“Where else should I have taken her?” A boy - Kaz - answered. “Left her unconscious in an alley?”

“You could have taken her to her Snakes!”

“They could go to war with us over this. I wasn’t going to risk that.”

“If any of them want to declare war, it’s going to be her. Do you honestly think she’ll be happy to wake up here?” Her disbelief made her laugh. “Saints, Kaz, she’ll probably throw a punch at whoever she sees first.”

“Haskell did this to her, Inej. If I had her brought to the Poisoned Rook, her Heartrender would’ve ended whoever had her. I couldn’t take her to her main building because no one knows where it is. If I left her somewhere, what was to stop Pekka or one of the menagerie owners from grabbing her?”

“She won’t see it that way.”

“You don’t know her.”

“And you do?” That disbelieving laugh again.

Silence.

Your eyes hurt so you closed them again. You whined slightly and tried to rub them, but your limbs still felt too heavy.

“Do you know her?” Inej insisted. You could vaguely remember her then. The Suli girl known as the Wraith who could throw a blade with frightening skill.

If she was upset with your presence wherever you were, you didn’t think you’d be there much longer.

———————

You feel different, like there was something calling to you in every person. Like every person has their own drumbeat that only your ears could recognize. No, not your ears, but your body. You were you, as a child, but suddenly you were Grisha. Corporalnik. A Healer.

You find two boys in an alley, afflicted by the Queen’s Lady Plague. When the younger one looks at you, you immediately recognize him.

“Kaz.” You breathe a sigh of relief.

“Vina?” He looks at you with watery eyes, a red face with flushed cheeks. “Can you help him?”

You look over and see Jordie, frighteningly still in Kaz’s arms. You gulp. You can hear the bodymen coming.

“I can try.”

———————

You sat upright in the bed, gasping for air. Your eyes adjusted to the unfamiliar setting and you scrambled back until you hit the wall. You could feel your hair stuck to your forehead and the back of your neck, your shirt sticking along the length of your spine.

You looked all around, trying to get a grip on reality. You were just there. Jordie was right in front of you.

Instead, a hand was on either arm and someone was in front of you. You flicked your hand for your blade but nothing came out. You looked down in a panic and wondered if your cuff was broken. When your eyes finally focused on the figure in front of you, you realized it was Kaz.

Kaz, as he was. With his meticulously combed hair, dark and watchful eyes, his all black outfits. The only thing missing were his gloves and that stupid hat. Where were his gloves?

“Where is he?” You breathed. Your mind was still reeling from your latest dream but there was no imaginary thrum of power in you. You wouldn’t be able to save him even if he was there.

“Who?” Kaz asked and the worry in his tone was reflected in his eyes. “Who are you looking for, Davina?”

“Jordie.” You nearly whispered and you watched his face fall. “He was right here. I was…” You felt the tears threatening and you didn’t bother to stop them as your hands started to shake. “I couldn’t save him. I tried, Kaz, I did.”

“What do you mean?” His voice was low and he carefully brushed his thumb against your cheek. The barest of touch, hardly a gaze of skin, but you felt it like a jolt of electricity. “He’s been gone a long time.”

You took a shaky breath and nodded. You knew Kaz was right, but that didn’t make the dream any less real.

You had to sort through the memories, the hallucinations, and the truth. Talking to your mother about the boys, that never happened. Neither did that afternoon on the lawn. And you never had the chance to help Jordie.

“Is this…” You glanced around, wiping your eyes with your sleeve. You realized you were in the same clothes, despite your cloak being missing, and you didn’t feel the material of the cuffed blade either. “Is this real?”

“Yes.” He answered simply. He had leaned away and gave you a few more inches of space. “Whatever you saw, that wasn’t real. Do you remember what happened?”

“I came to the Crow Club.” You nodded, thinking of the chain of events that ended with you in an unfamiliar bed with Kaz sitting beside you. “I was looking for…”

Did Kaz know of Jesper’s debt to you? You couldn’t say for sure so you kept it to yourself for the time being.

“For someone.” You emphasized, hoping it sounded as if you just couldn’t remember. “And I was hoping for a chance to get my ring back.”

He gave a small smirk before he pulled the chain out from under his collar. Your ring was still at the end and you frowned slightly at the sight. Even if you had gotten into his office, you wouldn’t have found it. For a moment, you considered reaching for it.

“Do you always wear it?” You asked in slight annoyance.

“I know better than to leave something valuable unattended.” He answered proudly before tucking it away again. Getting that back would prove to be more difficult than you expected “What happened next, Davina?”

“I started playing cards to pass the time… I was winning, too.”

You remembered tucking your winnings into your boot, which led you to think about your boots. You kicked the blanket off and saw your feet in only your socks.

“Where are my boots?” You asked quickly.

Kaz pointed to the floor near the edge of the bed. You carefully crawled past him and picked them up. You tipped them over on the bed, seeing the folded bills fall out. You counted them quickly, knowing what was in each stack easily since you always situated your money stacks by the hundreds, and found it was all accounted for. You blew a sigh of relief before putting it all back.

“You think I’d rob you while you were unconscious? You think me so underhanded?” Kaz almost sounded offended.

“I think you’d rob the Ravkan King if he let you close enough.” Your boots hit the floor with a dull thud.

“I had Nina take your boots off because I knew you hated shoes on the bed.”

“My mother hated shoes on the bed.” You countered and he shot you an accusatory look. “But I agree she was right… Wait a minute. You called on your Heartrender?”

“Was I meant to call on yours?” He shrugged.

“You weren’t meant to call on anyone!” You yelled. “You could’ve taken me back to the Rook.”

“Well, you should’ve said that. Oh, that’s right. You collapsed in my arms before you could say anything.”

“I didn’t…” You tried to argue but you trailed off as you thought of what happened.

Haskell pulled you aside, tried to get you to sell. You denied, he gave you a drink that didn’t quite taste right. He wouldn’t let you leave until you finished it. Then you saw Kaz and then…

“What did he give me?” You asked quietly.

“Some sort of poison. He didn't say where it was from.” Kaz answered slowly. “It was stimulant-based, meant to affect your head and your body.”

“I was overwhelmed when I ran into you. It was too loud, too bright, and then I was dizzy. I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t think straight.”

“That’s why I had Jesper bring you here.” He seemed to consider reaching for your hand but decided against it. You almost told him he could. “I didn’t want… I couldn’t risk bringing you there and starting a war.”

The same excuse you heard him tell Inej in one of your bouts of borderline lucidity.

“A war… Melli wouldn’t call for it.” You shook your head. “She enjoys the petty crimes of what we do but in my absence, she wouldn’t want that.”

“You’re telling me if you died, no one would want vengeance?” He challenged slightly, and you wondered if it was Dirtyhands asking for intel or if it was Kaz asking if you mattered. But then again, those were the same thing in the end.

“Has anyone come looking?” You asked instead.

“Nina said your Heartrender asked. She was supposed to send word that you were alive.”

You nodded to yourself. If Kol knew you were alive, that was something. All he and Melli had to do was manage a few more hours. However, it did strike you as odd that Kol went to Nina.

“How long have I been here?” Your brows furrowed.

“A few days.” Kaz answered carefully, hesitant for your reaction.

“Saints, I’ve been unconscious here and hallucinating for days?” You practically jumped off the bed. You shoved your hands into your hair as you paced the space. “I need to leave. Where is my hood?”

“You can’t leave yet.” Kaz stood.

“You can’t stop me, Dirtyhands.”

“Trust me, I’ll send you away as soon as it’s safe.” He spat back and the harshness of his tone made you freeze. Your head snapped towards him and his arms were folded, but you could see one of his fingers tapping against his sleeve. “Unfortunately for us both, that’s not an option.”

“And why not?”

“Because it’s broad daylight and what do you think people will think when you come out of my room in the same clothes?” Kaz said plainly. Anyone else would’ve emphasized the implications but Kaz just stared at

you expectantly.

“They’ll think I tumbled with the Bastard.” You sighed. “Great. So I’ll have to sneak out like a shameful nightcap. That’ll be wonderful for my reputation.”

He scoffed slightly and your simple gaze turned to a glare.

“Your reputation wouldn’t be the only one damaged, mind you.” He spoke.

“Oh, of course.” You bowed sarcastically. “The Almighty, Steadfast Dirtyhands who cannot be seduced or wooed, Saints forbid any woman try. But alas, the Snake manages to bed him. How tragic that’d be.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You’re too elite a criminal to tumble with the likes of me, correct?” You continued. You didn’t know why you did, but you were just so angry. “A little girl playing dress-up, a wretched little child living off her father’s name. You’re far above that.”

“Davina.” Kaz said firmly.

“Melli would have a grand time with this one.” You muttered to yourself.

“Alright, enough.” He said firmly and you stared at him as if he had grown an extra limb. Who was he to order you around? “I’ll bring you something to eat and find you a change of clothes. Just stay here.”

You should argue. You should say something ridiculous that’d continue to annoy him, but realistically, he was right. An unarmed Snake among angry Crows was as good as dead. As unhappy as you were, Kaz was looking out for you, and you wouldn’t admit it, but you appreciated it.

“Something with a high collar, if you can.” You said in defeat, a hand coming to your tattoo. “I’d rather not be a target while I’m captive.”

You huffed and dropped onto the bed.

“And I want my cloak and blades back!”

Kaz said something to himself before making his way across the room.

You sat cross legged on the mattress and the images from your daze came back. Young Kaz, begging for your help. Your father’s smile as he lied to you. Your mother slapping you. Laying on Kaz’s chest while he held your hand. The last one was the illusion that hurt the most.

You pushed the image away but the ghost of a false touch lingered. Instead, you busied your fingers with counting your kruge again.

He came back in soon after. He dropped the folded clothes beside you, a fresh shirt and your cloak, and you simply glanced at them. When you didn’t hear his steps or his cane, you looked up and saw him waiting for something.

“Why did he do it?” You asked, looking for something to fill the silence. You stood and turned your back to him while you peeled your old shirt off.

“Power.” Kaz answered after a moment of silence. “He did it to show he could.”

“To show me or was it intended to be a message to my father?” You pulled your arms through the dark shirt and began buttoning it. It was too big, intended for someone taller than you, but it was clean so you couldn’t complain. “He was going to drag me to the Emerald Palace, wasn’t he?”

“I didn’t care to ask.”

“Well.” You breathed and turned back to face him. You almost laughed when you saw he was particularly interested in something on the wall to his left. “Regretfully, I have to thank you. If I had to go through that alone…”

He finally looked at you. “What did you see?”

Your brows furrowed.

“You woke up and asked about…” He trailed off.

“Right.” You nodded. You sat back on the bed, pulling your cloak into your lap, and motioned for him to come beside you. Hesitantly, he did but there was a sizeable distance between you. “It was fake. I knew it then but still…”

How were you supposed to explain what you had seen?

“I found you and Jordie before the bodymen did. I was trying to help him. I thought- I felt like I could’ve.”

He said nothing. Instead, there was a light tap of his cane against your foot.

“There were memories, too. When we left the house you knew, my father told me he left a note for you boys. I saw when the bodymen told me they had picked you both up.” You sniffled. “Could you imagine little me, in the dress my mother made, falling to my knees in tears and clutching my drawing?” You laughed sadly.

You couldn’t look over at Kaz. You focused on your hands in your lap instead. You thought again of the wretched illusion of the lawn, the brightness of Kaz’s smile, the lightness of his voice. You remembered the way the sun shined on his features and the way his hand felt in yours.

“I never blamed you.” Kaz offered suddenly. You couldn’t bring yourself to lift your eyes, knowing they were probably bloodshot and watery. You still glanced over but you kept your gaze on his knees. At some point, he had moved closer. “Davina…”

“When I could finally move, I went to my father… He told me you two betrayed him, learned what you needed and ran off. He said you never cared about being my friend, but I didn’t believe him… I started to sneak out in the mornings after that. I tried the cafe but it was gone. I went to the bank and the teller said the Rietveld account was empty. It seemed like you two were gone.”

He said nothing, but his knee brushed yours as he shifted.

“I went to talk to my mother about it. She never made me feel bad for liking you and your brother. She even encouraged my drawings, said it’d help keep your memories fresh. ‘You can keep them in your heart, always, but putting them on paper will help you to remember the little things.’ she said… But I found my father first. He was talking to the teller and told him I was there. I heard the teller say that everything went according to my father’s plan. I’ve hated him ever since.”

You finally lifted your eyes and Kaz was already studying you. One of his hands was gripping the blanket, the other holding his cane as it rested across his lap. He had replaced his gloves and his sleeves were long, his black waistcoat fitted neatly.

“You say you don’t blame me but I know you hate me.” You said plainly. “You hate that I was kind and we were friends. You hate that I didn’t give you a reason to hate me from the start. I remind you of my father and your brother…”

“Not all memories are bad.” He said quietly.

You scoffed slightly. “The way you look at your Crows, the way you look at the Wraith, you don’t look at me like that. You look at me the way you look at my father. Hatred. Contempt. Call it what you want.”

“She isn’t like you.” He gently insisted. “Vina, I-“

“All the Saints, you look horrible!” Nina’s voice cut in suddenly and you jumped. “But at least you’re lucid now.”

“Hello, Nina.” You smiled. “And thank you, for everything you did for me.”

She grinned in response and Kaz got to his feet. He nodded to you before he left. His departure left you feeling rather alone, despite Nina being in the room.

“I’ve brought you a treat.” She said happily and it dragged you from the threatening melancholy. Her hands came out from behind her back and she was holding a plate stacked high with waffles. “Obviously it’s meant for us to share.”

“Obviously.” You repeated. “I’m sorry I haven’t come by lately.”

“Don’t worry, Kol explained it.” She came and sat beside you. “Although, he did not mention that.” She nodded towards the entryway. Your brows furrowed and she rolled her eyes. “You and Brekker.”

“What?” Your eyes went wide. “No, it’s not like that. It’s just a shared past. You know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend...”

“Mhmm.” She smirked and plucked a waffle from the pile. “Your words can lie but your heartbeat doesn’t.”

“What do you mean?” You grabbed a waffle of your own.

“It was racing.” She teased. “And just know, Kaz doesn’t let just any woman in his bed. In fact, he’s never let any woman into his bed as far as I know.”

“You’re ridiculous.” You laughed.

“Says the woman wearing his shirt.”

You felt your cheeks flush. Nina noticed almost immediately and she broke out laughing. You frowned and threw a waffle piece at her.

“How is Kol doing with his lessons?” You asked, desperate to change the subject.

“He’s a prodigy.” She nodded, getting the hint. “It’s so easy to teach him. And I assured him you were well. Turns out your lieutenant has been beside herself since you disappeared.”

“Poor Melli.” You frowned. “I need to get back to them soon.”

“Do you feel well enough to leave?” She leaned in a bit to study your face. “Unfortunately, you do look as if you’ve been unconscious and miserable for several days.”

“I feel alright, I guess.” You shrugged and fiddled with the button of the sleeve cuff. “It brought up some horrid memories but physically, nothing feels wrong.”

“I’ll tell Brekker you can leave in a few hours time then.” She offered a sympathetic smile. “You do need to eat and drink some water to get some strength back. I won’t let you leave until you do. Jesper should be-“

As if on cue, Jesper came in with a tray of glasses and a full pitcher. He beamed at you and hurried to put the tray down, nearly dropping it in the process. He sat on your other side, leaned across you to grab a waffle, and put a hand on your shoulder.

“I’m so glad you’re alive.” He said, his mouth full of waffle.

“Hello to you, too.” You laughed and gestured to a water glass. “Yes, I’m alive and well. Thank you for not leaving me on the Club floor.”

“It was Kaz’s idea.” Jesper shrugged before handing you the glass. “I had no idea what to do.”

You frowned and lightly whacked his arm. “You know, I wouldn’t have been in that situation if someone remembered their debts.”

“Ah, yes, about that…” He said nervously. “You see…”

Nina giggled beside you.

“You’re coming up on a second fee, Fahey.” You warned teasingly. “You wouldn’t want this to snowball, would you?”

“Jesper.” Nina clicked her tongue in playful disappointment. “Did you borrow money from dear Davina?”

“Yes, but-“

“Shame on you!” She continued and you suppressed a smile by taking another bite of waffle.

“I’m going to pay her back!”

“That’s what you tell all your creditors.”

“I know, but I mean it this time!”

You had to laugh at that.

“Alright, how about this?” You faced Jesper with a smile. “Since you helped me, I’ll forget the first fee and the upcoming. It’s still a flat eight hundred.”

“Eight hundred?” Nina gasped.

“I was just as surprised as you are.” He laughed. “But I promise, Davina, I will pay you back.”

“I believe you.” You nodded. “If not, I’ll come back and find you. I won’t be so nice all the time.”

“You’re terrifying when you want to be. Do you know that?”

“I’ve been practicing.”

“She might be able to give Kaz a run for his money.” Jesper told Nina, leaning around you.

“Inej still has her beat.” Nina answered.

“The Wraith wasn’t very happy to know I’m here, was she?” You asked carefully. You remembered the anger in her voice, the sharpness it held. If words could cut, no doubt hers would’ve.

Neither of them said anything.

“I shall take that as my cue.” You nodded. You pushed to your feet, set down the glass, and then bent over to shove your feet into your boots. You fit your cloak around your shoulders and felt the blade still tucked into the sheath.

You thought to ask but once your quizzical expression met Nina’s, she winked. You smiled and nodded once before your hand went to where your cuff usually rested.

“Where’s my other blade?” You asked.

“Boss’s desk.” Jesper motioned to the doorway. “Saw it on my way in.”

“Last time I was in his office, he cut me.” You looked towards the doorway. You remembered when you were tied up in that room, how you could just barely see through it and into the room you were currently in.

“That’s just bad manners.” Jesper joked and you smiled slightly.

“Tell Brekker I appreciate the hospitality and, add this part reluctantly, I owe him.”

Jesper nodded and tipped his hat towards you. Nina blew you a kiss.

You took a deep breath and stepped into the office. It was empty, save for you, and you were thankful. Your blade was sitting on his desk, atop a stack of papers, and you hurried for it. You slipped it on, under the sleeve of your borrowed shirt, and glanced at the paper beneath it.

It was your drawing.

He kept it. You wondered why, but when you heard the turning of the doorknob, you moved. You hurried out the closest window and dropped onto the closest roof. You crouched under the windowsill and pulled your hood up, pressing against the Dregs’ building for a minute. When no voices came and no one crawled after you, you began making your way down to find your way back to the Poisoned Rook.

To your friends.

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